Monday 21 November 2011

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Rawhide Western Town - The Shotgun Wedding

I hate Friday night TV. None of the shows that I like to watch are on Fridays, the sports schedule is usually pretty light, and worst of all, it's the night that Say Yes to the Dress is on. All of my girls have some sort of fascination with this show, and I don't get it. Apparently there's some sort of natural attraction towards weddings, even after you've already gotten married. Yet while I don't understand it, I've come to realize that it's not a battle worth fighting. If my girls want to spend their Friday nights fantasizing about a wedding that one of them has already had, and two of them are years (ummm..let's say decades) away from having, then that's fine with me.

Proper attire for watching TLC on a Friday night.
Yesterday I told you about getting my wife thrown in jail for $10, and how doing this sort of thing was the sole source of income for the Rawhide sheriff's department. Well it turns out that's not quite true. See like most men, I saw "Arrest-A-Guest" and my mind shifted into "Let's put Lori in jail" mode. Wiser men (and most women) would have read a little further down and realized that the sheriff actually does have another source of making money. It's not just arresting guests...

There's also shotgun weddings.

Yes for the same $10 that it costs to get somebody locked up in Rawhide, you can have the sheriff go and drag that person whose been avoiding making a commitment to the altar. Or maybe just have him rustle up that cute cowboy you saw out by the saloon. I'm pretty sure that as long as you're helping out the Rawhide sheriff department's budget, they'll make it happen.

Rounding up contestants for the Rawhide version of the Bachelor
Actually I know they will, because five minutes after Lori got out of jail, I was standing in front of a (really hungover) judge, my wife with a bouquet on my right and a deputy with a gun on my left. I found myself wearing a leather vest and a black cowboy hat appeared from somewhere and was placed on my head. I might actually have missed noticing even these details, except the wedding got off to a rough start while the (really, really, hungover) judge tried to figure out which one of us was Steve and which one was Lori.

Explaining who's who.
Now let me say that I love my wife dearly, and I've often said that I would be happy to renew my vows with her. I just thought that since we've already done the big, public wedding that the renewal of vows would be something a little smaller and simpler. Kind of like a user agreement, where you can't be bothered to read all the details so you just scroll down to the bottom and click "I agree". That's my idea of a perfect vow renewal.

The one I found myself experiencing at Rawhide, was slightly different. It contained phrases like "Awful wedded wife" and "I promise to wear this ring most of the time". It wasn't exactly an inspiring speech to start a newlywed life with, but I suspect that it's main goal was to entertain the three kids watching their parents get married. Judging from the amount of laughter coming from behind us, I'd say it was accomplishing that goal just fine.

 If you're in to the whole "value for your dollar" thing, it takes far longer to get married in Rawhide than it does to serve a jail sentence. It might be quicker if you got a sober judge, but I get the feeling that there aren't too many of those around. At the completion of your sentencing ceremony, they take a picture of you (On a Polaroid! I didn't know they even made those anymore!) and give you your official marriage certificate, which of course I can't find anymore. Don't be too surprised. I can't tell you where my real marriage certificate is either.

So in exchange for sending my wife to prison, I had to marry her. It really sounds like some kind of twisted soap opera doesn't it? I guess I should just be happy that I got the payback out of the way early, and I didn't have to spend a long time wondering when Lori was going to get even. Of course, what I should really be happy about, is that my wife still chose to marry me again and not one of the cute cowboys hanging out at the saloon. I get the feeling that after I locked her up, the thought might have crossed her mind.