How We Survive Traveling at Christmas

I married a teacher. I find that somewhat humorous, considering my feelings towards teachers through my own school journey were lukewarm at best, but I guess you can't control who you fall in love with. The benefit of being married to a teacher is that they get lots of time off. The downside, is that their time off comes at the same time as the other hundred million people who are connected to the school system. Different school systems have their spring and summer breaks at different times, but Christmas break is pretty set in stone, and thus it's pretty much the busiest time of year to travel.

That doesn't make it the worst time though. Sure there are plenty of stressed out, leave everything to the last minute, mad at the world, kind of people out there, but it doesn't take a whole lot of preparation to not be one of them. Mostly it just takes a little planning and a positive attitude. That's not a lot to ask, but for the 50% of you who just went "How am I supposed to have a positive attitude? The kids aren't allowed in the airport bar!", here's a few of the other ways that we cope with traveling at Christmas:

Leave lots of time

My children absolutely love it when I tell them we're on an early flight! Nothing thrills kids like having to get up at 3:30 am on their school holidays. They didn't want to waste them sleeping anyways! I know it sucks getting up early for a flight, but when something goes wrong at the airport, you won't end up being that person who's stressed out because they're going to miss their flight. Last time we were in San Francisco, the security line shut down for about 10 minutes for some reason, and you could just feel the tension levels rising all over the line. Apparently a lot of people had decided that 15 minutes was plenty of time to leave for getting through security. It's not.

Feed the kids
I hate airport food prices as much as you do, but it's just an expense I've decided to live with as my kids are immensely better travelers when they're not hungry. This doesn't mean they get carte blanche at the food court. My daughters passion for Cinnabon could easily double the cost of whatever discount airfare we're flying on that day. I am willing to pop for hotcakes and sausage at McDonalds however, mainly because there's usually a little bit that finds it's way into the Daddy line.

Don't sit right at the gate

Airports are big places, yet everybody wants to sit within 10ft of the departure gate. Go find an empty gate and relax. One person can shuttle back and forth to keep up with any developments on the flight, but the kids can have tons of space to play. When our kids were younger, they used to man an empty gate and pretend to check each other in for flights. Amazingly, every flight they did was always headed to Disneyland, since they assumed that all planes flew there. Maybe we should have varied up our destinations a little bit.

Don't bring overhead carry-on items
Easier said than done I know, but it's possibly the biggest stress reliever I can think of. If you don't need bin space (and you're not flying Southwest) then there's no need to be at the front of the line to board. You don't need to be at the gate quite as early, and you don't have to search the entire plane if the spots near your seat are gone already. Besides, you only have to store your bags under your seat for takeoff and landing. Outside of that, you can dump them all under your kids feet while reminding them of the days when you were young and used to travel with nothing more than a small backpack and a bag lunch (which inevitably will lead to questions about just how old you really are).

Try and remember what it was like

Try explaining that at security

My kids are old enough now that they can merely be told how to behave when traveling (yes, that day does come), but I remember when they were younger and flying was new to them. I used to cringe everytime my daughter swung her feet, even though they weren't long enough to actually kick the seat in front of her. I used to dread security when my other daughter was in her "I'm a Pokemon" stage, as the only response she would give to the question "What's your name?" was "Pikachu!!!" (for a while we thought we might have to legally change her name if we ever wanted to travel again). Most of all though, I remember the questions. If you thought "Why?" was an annoying question on the ground, try it in an enclosed space 36,000 ft up in the air. It'll drive you nuts!

I may not have to deal with these things anymore, but you can bet somebody on the plane will be. Try and have some sympathy for the families in the beginning stages of their traveling adventures. It will help them, and it'll help make your trip more enjoyable as well. Most of all, remember the fun and excitement that waits for you on the other end of your trip. Unless it's your year to visit the in-laws. Those kind of stress levels, I can't help you with.

Really? Another Five Questions?

Have you ever accidentally stumbled on to a simpler way of doing things? I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure things out. If I had a question, I'd spend time on the internet researching it, watching "how to" videos, and then trying to figure out which of the internet crackpots came the closest to actually being helpful.

It's come to my attention over the last couple of weeks however, that I have my own collection of crackpots who visit here and seem to have an endless amount of knowledge about the kind of things that I spend my time wondering about. Of course, I'm not sure you're entirely on my side since almost every one of you tried to convince me to peek inside the Kate Spade bag (which would get me in a ton of trouble), yet none of you were willing to help me figure out where my wife hides the good food (and by the way, that reward offer still stands). Still, you seem to be the best option that I have, so until I start drawing an audience that consists of qualified psychiatrists, I'll continue to ask you guys for help:

Am I the only person in the world who actually likes fruitcake?

I'm driving home the other night, and there was a lady on the radio who called in to complain about fruitcake. Essentially her argument is that nobody ever actually buys fruitcake for themselves, you only get it as a gift. That doesn't seem right to me, as I know both Lori and I enjoy fruitcake. In fact, it's even made it's way to the semi-hidden spot for snacks in our house (The semi-hidden spot is the one I know about, but the kids don't. I still have no idea where the "top secret" spot is. Maybe there's more fruitcake there...I'll keep an eye on the Facebook pictures.) but the more I ask around, the more it seems that most people really don't like fruitcake. You have to have a seasonal treat though, and I can't stand Egg Nog, so I'm willing to accept any fruitcakes people get that they don't want. It's my Christmas act of selflessness.

Fruitcake, Egg Nog, or do you have another Christmas treat?

What Christmas movie should we see?

We're breaking tradition this year when, for the first time in five years, we won't be spending Christmas morning at Disneyland. Even when we were at Disney though, we'd usually spend our Christmas Day afternoons at a movie (the park is nuts after about noon), so in an effort to not throw all our traditions out the window at one time, we'll probably still go see a matinee on the 25th. The question is, what to see? I've had a vote for the Muppets, a vote for Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, and a vote for "the dreamy Robert Downy Jr. in Sherlock Holmes". I'll let you guess who cast the last vote. Neither the boy nor I really care what we see, so I welcome any suggestions you may have. Bonus points if there's a car chase and explosions.

Who carries more weight when it comes to choosing a movie? The kids or the Mom?


Is it ever appropriate to use electronic bibles in church?

I'm sure she's looking up an important verse.

Feel free to substitute any other location where playing with your phone isn't appropriate, but it was at church where this question came to mind. I don't carry a bible with me these days (and I say that like I used to lug a massive concordance around with me) because I have one on my phone. When the speaker suggests that we look something up, I pull out my phone and launch into the bible app instead of grabbing a book from the pew in front of me. While I'm fine with that, anybody looking over at our family sees all five of us staring at our electronic devices during service. This can't look good, and I'm starting to wonder not only if it's appropriate, but if there's a direct correlation between this act and the fact that we very rarely get asked to volunteer for anything at church. Just thinking that if there's a connection, I could make a lot of money with this knowledge.

Is my iPhone keeping me from ushering duty?

What's the earliest you've ever taken down your Christmas tree?

Lori loves to put our tree up early. We very rarely make it to the end of November without the tree being up, and there's some years where people could be excused for wondering why we have a Halloween tree on display. The flip side of this however, is that our tree almost never sees New Years. Once Christmas is over, it's over to my wife, and there's no point delaying taking the tree down. Her record is the time that our tree came down on Christmas Eve. Seriously, our kids must have woken up Christmas morning and thought Santa stole the tree. In Lori's defense, we did have a flight to catch that day, and we weren't coming home until just before school started, but would it have killed her to leave the tree up while we were gone?

A Christmas tree should at least stay up until Christmas morning right?

Should we give up our home phone for cell phones?

I cringe every time our home phone rings these days, because I know it's a telemarketer. Almost 90% of our calls at home are from "Unknown Name" or "Toll Free Server" (or "Texas" for some reason), none of which we answer. It's crossed my mind that the monthly cost of the home line would pretty much cover adding cell phones for the last two members of our family who don't have them. This would certainly be more convenient, but I'm concerned that eventually my cell number would simply get distributed the way my home phone number did, and I'll just be fielding calls from telemarketers in more exotic locations. While there would be a certain amount of irony in people calling to ask if I'm $10,000 or more in debt while I'm waiting for my wife at an outlet mall ("I just saw her go into the Gap, so yeah, probably."), I'd really rather not dread the sound of my phone ringing.

Is there an easier way to avoid telemarketers?

The 40th Time's the Charm

Yeah, it's pretty cliche I know. Just about everybody who comes to Las Vegas stops and gets their picture taken with the sign. It used to involve an insane dash across four lanes of traffic until they installed a parking lot in the middle of the road. Now it's just a matter of battling your way through the tour buses jammed with people who all want the famous Vegas picture.

So like most tourists, Lori and I stopped to get the shot. Of course, we are nothing if not patient. Despite driving past it hundreds of times, it wasn't until our 40th trip to Las Vegas that we actually stopped to get the picture taken. Even then, we only stopped because we were passing by the sign with friends on our way to the airport early one morning, and much to our surprise the parking lot was empty. We were running a little late for our flight, but when do you get alone time with a historic landmark? So on our way out of town from our 40th trip, we finally got our picture taken with the Las Vegas sign.

Now if somebody could just get me 15 minutes of alone time with the Roman Colosseum...

This post is a part of Photo Friday at Delicious Baby. If you didn't get here from there, you should really go check them out. There's people there who actually take pictures the first time they visit somewhere.

A Carriage Ride in Central Park

I'm beginning to think that there's actually no end to the list of romantic notions that bounce around in my wife's head. I wrote before about Lori's "Plaza in June" fascination (and how well that turned out), but after taking care of that for her, you'd figure I should be off the hook for fulfilling romantic ideals in New York. If not the entire city of New York, then at least the Northeast sector, and if not the entire Northeast sector, then I must have at least finished my duties for the corner of E59th Street and 5th avenue.

Nope, I'm not even done one corner of the city. My wife's next picture of romance consisted of a carriage ride through Central Park. Now I don't begrudge my wife some romance in her life (as long as it's with me), but I can't say I'm particularly fond of what romance is these days. A long time ago, being romantic consisted of going on a noble quest and slaying a fierce dragon to rescue your damsel from a tower. You know...guy stuff. At no point did Guinevere ever ask Lancelot to sit in a carriage and be pulled through a tourist area by a horse wearing a top hat. Apparently, however, I'm not Lancelot.

So faced with this potential assault of my manliness (which, let's face it, is in question at the best of times) I went with every man's first technique of job avoidance - distraction. I took my wife shopping in Times Square, we went to watch the skaters at Rockefeller Center, and I even took her to see a Broadway play staring Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. I still say that if either Daniel or Hugh had taken their shirt off during the play, I would have been home free. Alas, everyone stayed fully clothed (Where's Matthew McConaughey when you need him?) and the inevitable "So now can we go do the carriage ride?" question resurfaced.

This wasn't going to go away, so I resigned myself to reliving a movie cliche and accompanying my wife on a ride. We made our way up to Central Park, and got in line for a carriage. It kind of works like a taxi line-up where you just get the next cart available, so I did a little moving around in the line to make sure that we didn't end up with one of the more frilly carriages. Eventually we made it to the front, and we were seated on a kind of plush couch on wheels that was way too comfortable to allow any images of a wild west stagecoach ride. This was Victorian romanticism at it's finest, and my wife was thrilled.

Strangely, the carriage rides start off going along 59th avenue. It's a three lane road of typical New York traffic, but the right hand lane is taken over completely by these horse carriages trying to get on to the road that takes them through Central Park. We found ourselves  at the back of a non-moving line of carriages, and I was just grumbling to myself about how "on display" I was when our driver decides to pull out to pass.

Now this was fun! We cut off a taxi in the middle lane who honked at us, leading our driver to yell something at the cab in a language that I didn't understand (It might have been New York-ese. I never knew what anybody was saying in that city.) and we began passing the other carriages. I started to get visions of the carriage ride through the park being an actual race, and scenes from Ben Hur began to replay in my mind. Unfortunately, the excitement was short lived, as we were simply taking a different path than all the other carriages, and sure enough, within a couple of minutes, we were back on a slow pace making our way through the paths of Central Park.

Now I should give the carriage ride it's due. The guys who drive these things really know their stuff. What I had feared would turn in to me having to recite poetry to set a romantic tone became a very informative tour. Our driver pointed out all the buildings we were passing and explained a little of their history. He told stories of celebrities who lived in the area, and he even explained some of the social hierarchy of the city and why people chose to live where they do. I found myself enjoying his spiel, and when I looked over at another carriage whose driver was attempting to entertain by singing to his passengers, I mentally added $5 to our drivers tip.

On a value per minute basis, I don't know that the carriage rides in Central Park would score that high. It cost about $50 for a 30 minute ride, plus we gave a $25 tip (Yes, I really did give him an extra $5 for not trying to sing to us.). On a "Brownie point" basis though, I'd say the carriage ride was a pretty good investment. Lori was thrilled to tick another item off her bucket list, and for a brief time I thought that perhaps I had finished slaying dragons in New York. Alas, I've now been informed that visits to both Kleinfelds and Carlos' Bakery are on the list (stupid reality TV), but at least I'm finished with the corner of E59th Street and 5th Avenue.

Blue Man Group in Las Vegas

I'll confess that I don't really understand the Blue Man Group subculture. There's a network of people out there who can look at a Blue Man and tell you who he is, how long he's been playing a Blue Man, and what his characteristics are when he's in character. To me they're just kind of Avatar meets the Smurfs, and I couldn't tell you a single difference between them. I can tell you that the Vegas version of their show is a blast, and that my kids had a fantastic time at the show.

There's an oddity with the seating in the Blue Man Group theater. For most shows, the closer you want to sit to the front, the more your tickets are going to cost. As a general rule, this is true with the Blue Men, but for some reason the first five rows, also known as the Poncho Zone, are considered second tier. I was concerned that perhaps these seats were below stage level, and thus didn't give a good view of the stage, but we sat in the front row and had a perfect view. The only thing that was a little hard to see were the electric message boards up at the top of the theater. I wish they had been harder to see.

Prior to the show, they run the name of special guests attending the show on the message boards. We all spoke (no singing) Happy Birthday to somebody who was celebrating a milestone birthday, then we applauded for the winner of the gold medal in curling from the 1988 Olympics. Then...my name was on the board. Oh crap, these things are made up! I was introduced as the man who had solved the last remaining mystery to creating cold fusion and asked to stand up and wave to the crowd. I did so, but all of my kids were looking at me for an explanation. Why couldn't I have been introduced as the Olympic curler? That I could have faked. "Well kids, it was the 10th end and we were lying two in the house against the evil Norwegians who held the hammer..."

As I mentioned before, the first five rows of the theater are called the poncho zone. When you arrive at your seat, there is a plastic poncho waiting on it for you to put on. These things are not all that comfortable, and they make you really hot, so unless you are sitting in the very front row, towards the middle part, I wouldn't bother with it. Of course, that's exactly where we were sitting, so we dutifully put ours on, but even in the prime spray zone, I probably wouldn't bother wearing it again. Please keep in mind though that this advice is coming from someone whose normal attire wouldn't really be worsened by a complete dousing. If you normally wear Armani suits or Gucci dresses, and you still bought tickets in something called The Poncho Zone, then you're on your own.

The show itself is unique, but the good news is that it's broad enough to appeal to all ages. The basic part of the show is full of visual effects and comedy bits that are easy to grasp, and entertaining enough to hold the interest of the younger generation. As an example, my kids can tell you that at one point, a Blue Man caught and held 41 marshmallows in his mouth. That's plenty entertaining for the youngsters, but the adults would have seen the deeper meaning in...ummm....well to be honest I was counting marshmallows with my kids. I'm sure there was lots of symbolism and underlying meaning though. Maybe go ask the people in the Armani suits and the Gucci dresses.

Trying out the BMG pipes in the gift shop

Without spoiling the entire show for you, I can tell you that I loved it, my wife loved it, and my kids had a great time. As a fun, family night out I highly recommend it, although I also recommend that you don't pay full price for it. One of the benefits of Vegas is that there are so many shows competing for your entertainment budget that it's almost impossible to find a show that isn't discounted in some way or another. I'll suggest you head over to SmarterVegas (No, I'm not on commission there. I'm not on commission anywhere. I really want to add a paid link to somewhere just once so that I can write one of those annoying disclaimers about earning a small bit of money if you clink on my link. I'd feel so professional!) as they usually have a discount code for Blue Man Group worth about 35-40% off. Since you want the poncho zone, which is the second tier of pricing, the discount should put your ticket cost at around $60-$70 each. Not a cheap night out, but worth it, and a lot cheaper than the $147 full price tickets the Armani/Gucci crowd are buying.

If you can though, I highly suggest the front row. Not only will your kids be able to see, but for the grand finale of the show, the front is exactly where you want to be.